Chronologically disadvantaged
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For the first time in living memory, I am actually looking forward to Christmas. And it's all thanks to my mother (now there's a sentence I never thought I'd have to type). She phoned me at the shop for "a chat" ("You should see the monstrosity that the Neales have erected in their front garden, Father Christmas with SIX reindeer - and it glows. Daddy is threatening to call the council. And don't even get me started on what Christine Clancy has done with her front gates..." I won't, mother, I won't). During this bout of logorrhoea, however, she casually asked what Lucy and I were planning to do over Christmas. "Well, I assumed we'd come up and see you guys," say I, with a heavy sigh of resignation, a gruesome montage of thirty-odd years' worth of mulled wine and mince pies parties flashing inexorably through my mind. "Oh, you can't do that,darling. Daddy and I are going to the Seychelles for Christmas." "The... Seychelles?" "Yes. You know, the islands. It's all-in, you know - breakfast, lunch, supper, you can eat from dawn until dusk if you want. And water sports too - Daddy's thinking of learning to water-ski, though I told him that it's not a good idea, not with his bad back..." "You're going to the Seychelles?" "Yes. Do keep up, darling." That coffee-percolater sound you can hear is my mind, boggling. "But... but... what about the mulled wine and mince pies party?" "Oh, the village will have to make do without us this year. No doubt," (and here my mother's voice takes on a discernable patina of ice), "Christine will step into the breach. So what do you think you'll do? I suppose you will go to visit Lucy's parents in... Preston?" (the latter enunciated as if it were some particularly distateful medical complaint). "No, Lucy doesn't get on with her parents. I guess we'll just... stay here." And as I say this, a joyful glow spreads through my whole being. Christmas in the flat with Lucy. No parents. No mince pies and mulled wine parties. No crawling sense of failure and self-loathing. Just turkey and fine wine and fucking. Merry bloody Christmas, everybody. The Bottle Shop recommendation for today: CNVE Rioja Reserva 2000 (Spain). An upper-class call-girl of a wine, with hints of leather and caramel - like a dominatrix version of the Cadbury's Caramel bunny. And on Christmas Day I shall be drinking this until it comes out of my ears. £9.99
Abandoned, and happy about it
9.12.05 14:36
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(9.12.05 14:44) I always wondered what sound boggling made. |
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(9.12.05 15:01) It's like that advert for Kenco from the 80s, only with more bubbly noises. |
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(9.12.05 15:20) I only remember the coffee ads with Anthony Stewart Head in them. A great Christmas Blandy, enjoy it. I hate having to fulfil Christmas obligations, hate it. |
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(9.12.05 15:23) Rah! Go Mr Bland .... |
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Tman / Website (12.12.05 01:58) So your christmas present actually came early this year? |
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Snag (12.12.05 13:52) This is excellent news, Late old chap. Please insert xmas stuffing joke here. |
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(14.12.05 00:05) hurrah M. Bland! Roland and I will be having a similar Christmas. I have even said yes to a tree. Christmas morning is all about champagne, bacon in several forms and going back to bed. Have a sweetie for your christmas stocking. |
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(14.12.05 12:43) That does sound immense. I will be in a house missing a wall and a ceiling. It will be cold. |
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Dr Otter / Website (13.2.06 15:24) Late, my good man, you're in danger of becoming as much of a blogging slacker as I am. Okay, perhaps not that bad, but it's been aaaaaages. And we miss you. *sniffle* |
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Snag / Website (28.3.06 13:04) Was reminded of you the other day while walking between Sadler's Wells and the Angel. It was a butcher's wot dun it. Do you know the one? |
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Naomi / Website (31.3.06 23:40) Hello. Regular reader of yours and just popping by again, hoping to see a new post on your space. Hope all is well and hope you return to your entries soon. Take care. |
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matt / Website (17.5.06 17:59) Late... come back to us. It's almost been 6 months! I still check your blog almost every day. Sorry to see you've been attacked by the Trackback Spam Monster. Cheers, A State-side fan |
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Snag / Website (5.6.06 17:37) Boo hiss, evil spammer. |
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Dr Otter / Website (7.6.06 23:09) Suffering from erectile disfunction? Needing something to give you that extra staying power in the bedroom? Looking for a fast, guaranteed solution? Wishing there was a pill you could take to make all that heartache go away? According to Jake from Two And A Half Men, one in three men are. And it's not me... so it seems you're fifty-fifty, Late. Can Lucy give us a definitive answer on this? Sorry, but I saw you were being spammed so I thought I'd join in the fun... except I couldn't be bothered making every bloody word a link. Sod that for a game of soldiers! |
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pesejp@yahoo.com / Website (16.6.06 11:37) Looked through your site. Good work! Ken. |
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Snag / Website (23.6.06 14:01) OI, Bland! Get back 'ere right naaaaaaarh! Anyone else think that'll work? No, thought not. :/ |
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den / Website (15.12.06 11:12) your right! |
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Abdulla / Website (23.9.07 01:20) Hello! You have a Very good site! I like it! I just wanted to pass on a note to let you know |